Re: 14 Year Old Nephew
- Subject: Re: 14 Year Old Nephew
- From: Dennis Strain <dstrain@cloudnet.com>
- Date: Tue, 08 Oct 1996 12:26:39 -0500
At 09:43 PM 10/7/96 -0400, Pat Gundry wrote:
<<START QUOTE>>
OK Ross,
I can't stand silently reading these posts any longer. I've got to add my
perspective and advice. This is an area I know well from observing certain
people I may or may not be related to and reading MUCH on the subject,
researching it a long time.
What's happening is abuse. No amount of reasoning and maneuvering will get
it to stop. What really needs to happen is for your sister to leave the SOB
who is abusing their son. It's that simple. The kid is the focal point in
the family, the scapegoat, the bad guy, the punching bag. He has been
trained, probably all his life, to play the part, to be there to be hit on.
If you can get him out, even some of the time, so he can be a part of a
different system, he will have more choices. In his family, he has very
little choice. If he doesn't respond as the system dictates, they will up
the ante until he does.
Metaphors? Yes, they will help, but they won't do the trick. If he reads,
you can give him biography books. I'd suggest This Boy's Life, by Tobias
Wolff. It was made into a movie. He needs to see it.
But people who don't know what an abuse situation is really like don't know
that NLP doesn't offer a technique to make it stop. I remember Grinder
saying in a workshop I have on tape that he broke up a family because it
was destroying the health of the children. He said he could do that in
three days. He didn't say how he did it.
Your nephew has sought out the friends he has because he has no other
support group. He desperately needs people who can model decency and
positive cause/effect for him. And people who will accept him. He has had
to find them where he can, from other children who have been abused and
cast out, victimized by the systems in which they find themselves.
You can be a beacon of light for him. But it may not pull him out. It's a
sad situation, but one that is repeated everywhere every day.
<<END QUOTE>>>
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Right on the mark and may I add:
Ross, you as the uncle have the absolute responsibility
to stick your nose in the middle of the situation and
take action even if it means alienating your sister and
all of the rest of the family. Even if they all end up
hating your guts (temporary situation) they will in their
hearts and souls _really_ know you are correct.
It is imperative that they all have a clear picture of
how this ass hole is operating and it must be up front
and in their faces - so every time everyone is together,
you know, and they know, and the ass hole knows what each
other is thinking ... And ... it is "Especially" important
for the nephew to know in no uncertain terms that the
rest of the family knows dad is an ass hole, and that
they are in full support of the kid (the kid, not the kids
behavior -- the kid must get the same message regarding
his behavior, with great emphasis that it is his behavior
that sucks, not him personally).
In other words -- Put your aggressive-assertive nature
to work immediately (I get the feeling you should have
no problem with this at all).
Let the chips fall where they may -- It can't make things
any worse than they are.
I have been in this situation my self and find it to be
the quickest most dependable course of action, and I
have recommended it to others and have found they have
the similar results.
When you have a big festered pimple on the end of your
nose you don't sit there and analyze it and read books
and consult with counselors about how to get rid of it
-- You poke the son-of-a-bitch and squirt some antibiotic
on it before you leave the house.
And yes ... sometimes nothing works :-<
"Before Order Comes Chaos"
Dennis Strain
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